being trans & the feeling of not keeping up
I'm a trans girl. You might already know this if you've read my other blog - It's right there on the main page.
I haven't talked about this much, but I'm in the rather fortunate situation of not having all that much dysphoria, and generally being quite comfortable with my body. I can afford to take things slower.
I'm obviously grateful for being in this situation, for not having to deal with these mental health problems.
But sometimes, part of me wishes I did have something pushing me to finally take that step and come out to the people around me.
Because I know myself, and I know I'm lazy and I will take every excuse not to do something, even if doing that thing would measurably improve my quality of life. To some degree, I'm afraid that I'll just remain swamped in indecision indefinitely. Because I can. It doesn't hurt me, not really. Sure, I know I would feel significantly better If I did take that step. But that's difficult, and It's way easier to just stay in my bubble. I've gotten used to not being myself around others.
To some degree though, it would also be a bad idea to come out right now, that is definitely part of it. I'm still not in a position where I'm entirely independent from my parents. I hope they're decent people when it comes to these things, but It's not like I can ever know for sure how they'd react to it, at least not without actually taking that step. It'd be better if I wasn't in a situation where that could screw me over.
But then I see all these other people around me coming out, having more courage than I've ever shown. I feel like I'm falling behind with no hope of catching up. I know this isn't a race, that's stupid. And I can keep telling myself that, and recognize it's true, but I don't think I actually know it is. Deep down, emotionally, I still feel otherwise, despite how irrational that might be.
So, what's the solution here? Do I just wait it out until I can actually have that safety net? That seems like the reasonable decision to make, but I just don't know. Knowing me, I'll probably end up waiting it out.