relationships & expectations
I watched a YouTube video recently which briefly talked about how online relationships aren't "real". Now, while I could probably make an entirely separate blogpost just talking about that, it got me thinking about the oddly high value our culture seems to place on finding romantic relationships, and how that ironically makes dating incredibly toxic.
Like, most people just sort of treat it as a goal everyone has to attain in order to live a "good" life - A sort of prerequisite to happiness and success. It's always kind of implicitly assumed that you're going to try to get into a relationship, and if you're not in one past a certain age, you start getting looked down upon, like you've somehow failed at life.
And that's kind of weird, right? Because going into an actual long-term relationship is like, a deeply personal and hugely impactful decision. It's not just something to 'check off' like getting a drivers license. You don't just do the thing and then that's it.
And because this is something so deeply tied to social status, because people will implicitly view you as lesser or pitiable if you don't do it, it really pushes people to view a relationship as more of a transactional thing, I feel.
Like, I've seen a concerning amount of people that seem to want a partner not because of the need to form a genuine connection with someone, but because of the services that theoretical partner would provide them.
The Partner isn't important because of the want for connection, they're important because having one means you're in a relationship. Which, I think, makes some people view that hypothetical partner as an object, an achievement to be acquired, not as a person to form a connection with - Even if they sometimes don't realize that. I think that's a big part of the reason why some people seem to think of their partner having friends of the opposite gender as some sort of indicator that they're cheating. They don't trust their partner because they don't actually see them as a partner, an equal. Because they view the relationship as transactional, it only makes sense that their partner would cheat on them the moment they find someone that can provide them "more value" by being a better status symbol. In a way, by having relationships be some sort of metric for success, we've commodified them. And that kind of ends up pushing people into making really bad decisions about these sorts of things, or ending up feeling inadequate due to not being able to get into a relationship, and then taking that out on other people, feeling entitled to it, because society tells us that this is something we should all have and strive for. It's framed as a goal instead of it being a personal decision.
Which, I think also ironically makes it harder to actually get into a relationship? Because People seem to view it as some sort of fundamental personal failing when someone cannot get into a relationship. There's more pressure, and people become more susceptible to weird grifters talking about pickup lines or negging or whatever the fuck the current trend is over there, and then selling you their course for like a grand.
And like. This isn't even like, an alpha male right wing talking point sort of thing. Everyone I've met has had this assumption to some extent, and I'll be honest, I've never really thought about this until like, 30 minutes ago when I realized how incredibly weird this whole thing is? Like yeah, I've seen the whole like, traditional "perfect" nuclear family bullshit as bad for quite a while, but I've never really questioned why getting into a relationship is something we place this much value on in general, and if we should really be doing that.
I think this has also made me realize the amount of assumptions that we have about the way stuff works that we just kind of assume are true because It's just the norm for how things are, and how your perspective on things can vastly change just because of your surroundings. Like, I'm sure this is obvious for aromantic people, right? But I've never really had to examine this before just because I happen to be a person who does want a romantic relationship - So I've just sort of taken the way things are for granted, because that status quo doesn't affect me. So this has also sort of opened my eyes a bit more to how we all have some sort of unconscious bias, and how important it is to not just take "common sense" for granted sometimes. I mean. I was aware of this before, but there are some things you just kind of have to experience first-hand in order to really get them. And I think there's probably like, five other blogposts I could write just sorting out my thoughts and experiences with that concept alone, so for the sake of brevity I think I'll stop here. And hey, If anyone reading this is Ace - you're cool and valid, thank you for reading. Also your flag is pretty rad looking. I should make a post ranking pride flags next, I'm sure that will be entirely uncontroversial.